


5 times we almost were + 1 reason we never can be

by honeybeomgyu



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Almost Kiss, Angst, Character Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Beta Read, Sad Ending, Unhappy Ending, hope u enjoy, lol sorry, why is taegyu the angst couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26500012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybeomgyu/pseuds/honeybeomgyu
Summary: Almost, but not quite.(Taehyun knows, now, the weight and sadness that those four words carry.)
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	5 times we almost were + 1 reason we never can be

1:  _ Do you remember the day we went to the park? _

Taehyun had always found the park calming. It seemed like a little pocket of peace, some sort of alternate dimension where his worries and fears could be lifted off his shoulders. He would walk the familiar path and feel his stress dissipate, just enjoying the pretty flowers and trees. 

It was his safe place, and he was there with his safe person. Beomgyu skipped down the paths and stopped to smell the pretty flowers. He fed the ducks and climbed Taehyun’s favorite tree. 

Funnily enough, it wasn't even the combination of his two favorite things that kept making Taehyun’s heart stutter in his chest. No, it was that every time Beomgyu did something -- even if it was just a little trick -- he would look back at Taehyun with bright and excited eyes. His smile outshined the sun, and the sparkle in his eyes could make even the brightest of stars jealous. 

“Hey, Taehyun!” Beomgyu beckoned him over to look at something. Taehyun jogged over to see that he was pointing at an ice cream truck in the parking lot. Already, a line of kids was forming in front of the service counter, all chattering about what flavor they wanted. 

Maybe the distaste was clear on Taehyun’s face, or maybe Beomgyu was just good at reading him. 

“C’mon, Taehyun! Who knows maybe they'll have the  _ best _ ice cream in the entire world!”

Taehyun rolled his eyes, already knowing he’d lost this battle. “Or, maybe it's disgusting,” 

Beomgyu took Taehyun by the hand and half-dragged him over to the next place in line. “You never know~” he teased. He reached out and poked Taehyun on the cheek, eliciting a soft blush from the younger. 

Taehyun hoped it was bright enough outside that Beomgyu would mistake it for a trick of the light, or that he was blushing from the heat of the sun. 

They reached the front of the line faster than Taehyun thought they would, ordering just one cone of chocolate ice cream. 

“I didn't  _ know _ it was going to cost that much!” Beomgyu exclaimed as they walked away. Taehyun was holding their ice cream, currently debating whether or not he wanted to take the first bite. Lick? How does one even eat ice cream when they're thinking about it?

“Gyu…” Taehyun eyed him warily, “It was, like, a  _ dollar _ . Just say you're broke and go,” 

Beomgyu huffed and snatched the ice cream out of Taehyun's hand, pouting as he started eating it. Taehyun looked away, eyes wandering around the familiar scenery. He took note of how low the sun was hanging in the sky, briefly wondering if they would have a chance to watch the sunset. 

_ It would look pretty over the pond, wouldn't it? _

A vague outline of a plan began to swirl and form in Taehyun’s mind. Not entirely a solid plan, but little bits. Sitting on the bench by the lake...watching the sunset...laughing because Beomgyu’s hands were sticky. Because, honestly, it had been  _ five minutes _ and somehow Beomgyu was already squealing about ice cream dripping down onto his hands. 

Taehyun was abruptly pulled out of his planning when Beomgyu dropped the sticky, chocolate covered cone into his hands and tried to lick the drips of ice cream off his fingers. “Stop laughing at me, Taehyun! I can't take cute selfies if my hands are all messy!” 

He watched and laughed for a few more seconds before pulling a pack of tissues out of his pocket and handing them to Beomgyu. “Just- wipe yourself off...and maybe toss the ice cream?”

Beomgyu looked deeply offended by the idea. “ _ Toss the ice cream _ ? Kang Taehyun, you evil, evil guy…”

(He still threw the cone away. He’d already eaten most of the ice cream, and it had gotten soggy while he wiped himself off.) 

They managed to walk in the direction of the pond as the sun set further. Just as the sky was beginning to paint itself in streaks of orange and purple, Taehyun sat down on the bench in front of the pond, beckoning for Beomgyu to come sit with him. 

Beomgyu watched the sunset with a smile, reveling in the bright colors of the sky. Taehyun thought,  _ another thing him and the sky have in common: they're both beautiful at sunset _ . Of course, Taehyun himself wasn't looking at the sky. He was watching Beomgyu. The  _ real _ view. 

Just as the colors began to fade, Taehyun bent and picked a flower. He made sure the stem wasn't dirty or anything before turning back to Beomgyu. 

Beomgyu himself was already looking at Taehyun, bored now that the sunset had faded into the deep blue of the night sky. “What's that?” He asked, nodding to the flower in Taehyun's hand. 

Taehyun didn't reply, just brushed Beomgyu’s hair over his ear and tucked the flower in. A comfortable silence settled around them as Taehyun pulled back. Beomgyu’s eyes were locked on his, a million questions locked away inside. 

In that moment, Taehyun almost did it. He almost poured out how he felt, he almost  _ confessed _ . Almost pulled Beomgyu in for a kiss, right then and there. 

Almost, but not quite. 

(Taehyun knows, now, the weight and sadness that those four words carry.)

  
  
  
  


2:  _ Do you remember the day by the pool? _

“Choi Beomgyu if you splash me one more time I  _ swear _ I'll drown you with no remorse,”

Beomgyu gasped dramatically and pushed off the wall. He'd been standing in the pool, floating by the edge and splashing water onto Taehyun every time the younger looked away.

“You wouldn’t,” he replied, all too confident, “you'd miss me too much if I were gone,”

Taehyun chuckled, but didn't deny it. He went back to reading his book. 

At the moment, Kai was napping in the sun. Yeonjun and Soobin were both sitting on the pool steps -- Taehyun was fairly certain that Yeonjun was trying to convince Soobin to come in past his shins -- and Beomgyu was swimming around near where Taehyun had his feet in the pool. 

He had on swim shorts and a t-shirt, but decided against actually swimming since it wasn't that hot out. When he’d sat down, Beomgyu had made his way over and tried to read the book over his shoulder. Eventually he just gave up and hopped in the pool, splashing Taehyun. Taehyun had made some noise of protest, prompting Beomgyu to splash him even more. 

“Hey, Taehyun! Look what I can do!” Beomgyu called. Once he made sure Taehyun was looking, he cupped his hands and filled them with water. He swung his arms upwards, releasing the water and watching with excited eyes as the droplets glittered down back into the pool. 

“It's like... _ confetti water _ ,” 

“Beomgyu, be honest with me. Are you high?”

Beomgyu didn't dignify that with an answer. He simply swam his way over to Taehyun and popped up, resting his arms and head on the cement. “Whatcha reading?” 

Taehyun fixed him with a tired gaze. He couldn't hold the expression (he was  _ maybe _ just a little bit whipped) and his face broke out into a smile. Beomgyu giggles and cooed, even reaching out to poke Taehyun’s smiley cheeks. 

“It's kinda boring,” Taehyun admitted, “I doubt you would like it much,” 

Without even knowing the title or what the book was about, Beomgyu nodded in agreement. “Boring things  _ suck _ ,” 

Chuckling softly, Taehyun marked his place and set the book down. “It is pretty boring,” he admitted. “Got anything more entertaining for me to do?”

Beomgyu grinned and pulled himself out of the pool, bringing a bunch of water with him and forming a puddle. Already, Taehyun could feel the warm water beginning to wet his leg and the bottom of his swim trunks. 

Taehyun shifted down he was right above Beomgyu, sitting on his knees and leaning over the water. Beomgyu pulled himself up higher, putting their faces closer and closer together. 

Time seemed to slow around them as the realization of  _ oh my god he's about to kiss me _ began to settle in Taehyun’s brain. He closed his eyes, fully ready-

And was met with the feeling of falling. He opened his eyes just in time to see the surface of the water racing up to meet him. It was  _ cold _ (despite Beomgyu promising it wasn't when he'd tried to convince Taehyun to come swim with him) and shocked Taehyun almost as much as not being kissed. 

He swam up to the side and pulled himself out of the water, glaring at Beomgyu. Beomgyu, of course, was laughing his ass off. He laughed so hard he almost choked on water. “I'm sorry, Taehyun,” he wheezed, “you just- you-” he dissolved into laughter once again. 

Honestly, as annoyed as Taehyun was at being tricked and pulled into the water, he wouldn't trade it for anything once he saw how gleefully Beomgyu laughed and smiled. 

  
  
  
  


3:  _ Do you remember sitting under the lights in Soobin’s backyard? _

“Beomgyu-hyung,” Kai chortled, “Why does the smoke keep blowing in your face?”

They were sat around a fire pit in Soobin’s yard, and the wind kept blowing smoke into Beomgyu’s face. At first, he would move away and sit on Yeonjun -- who was next to him -- but eventually it happened too often for him to be getting up and sitting down repeatedly. 

After the umpteenth time, Beomgyu decided it wasn't worth it to stay sitting. He already missed most of the conversation due to his constant moving, and he’d gotten into a bit of a pissy mood. He felt left out and annoyed by the smoke. Also, it was hard to breathe with it blowing in his face. Beomgyu stood and made his way over to a soft-looking patch of grass, plopping himself down and pulling out his phone. 

The bright lights Soobin had strung around his backyard were just enough to illuminate his pouty lips and upset eyes. Taehyun faltered for a moment, unsure of whether he wanted to go see what was happening or stay where he was. Beomgyu shifted again and Taehyun  _ swore _ he saw tears glistening in his eyes. The possibility was more than enough to take him from his seat to where Beomgyu was sitting.

Sure enough, Beomgyu was crying. Not really full on, and barely enough to draw attention to himself. But his eyes were certainly filled with tears, his breathing a little too choppy for someone just sitting content away from the group. 

“Hyung? What’s wrong?” Taehyun’s voice surprised Beomgyu, making him jump a bit. 

Quickly, Beomgyu wiped his face to ensure that no tears dripped down his cheeks. He sniffled a few times before plastering a wide, obviously fake smile on his lips. When he spoke, his voice was just a  _ little _ too nasally for it to be normal. 

“Nothing,”

Taehyun eyed him warily and sat down next to him. “Beomgyu...you know you can tell me, right?” 

Beomgyu pouted, eyes getting misty again. “But it's stupid,” 

“It isn't stupid if it made you upset,” 

“It's just,” Beomgyu sighed, exasperated. “I dunno. I thought tonight was going to go differently? Like, Yeonjun turned on his music, and I thought we were going to dance and stuff. But then we sat down and then the smoke kept blowing at me and-  _ god _ it’s so stupid for me to be upset, but-”

Taehyun silenced him by running his fingers along Beomgyu’s hand. Beomgyu snapped his mouth shut and locked his eyes on their joined hands. “It isn’t stupid,” Taehyun said gently. 

“But-”

“It’s a little silly,” Taehyun admitted, brushing his thumb along Beomgyu’s cheeks to wipe off the couple of frustrated tears that had managed to drip down his face. “But that’s okay.”

They sat there for a moment, the air seeming to still around them. It felt like it was just them (even though their friends were loudly laughing at something Yeonjun had said not even thirty feet away), in their own little bubble of time. A thought lit up in Taehyun’s mind. 

“We can still dance,” He said. Beomgyu, who had been resting his head backwards, staring up at the sky in uncharacteristic silence, glanced over at him. 

“Hm?”

Taehyun gestured to the grass in front of them. “You can hear the music, right?” Beomgyu nodded, and he continued, “Then come on, let's dance,” 

He didn't explain as he stood, grabbing Beomgyu’s hands and pulling him up as well. He placed Beomgyu’s hands on his waist, and wrapped his own arms around the back of Beomgyu’s neck. 

“C’mon, sway with me,”

The song changed to a slow one, perfect timing in Taehyun’s opinion. Beomgyu subconsciously pulled him closer, resting his head on Taehyun’s shoulder. He was humming along to the song under his breath, gently swaying in a slow circle. 

It was there, under the lights in Soobin’s backyard, with the music playing just barely loud enough that it could drown out the sounds of Kai telling some grand story, Taehyun felt something new. Maybe it was the way the warm lights cast shadows over Beomgyu’s face, leaving him just mysterious enough that Taehun couldn't pick out the familiar features. Maybe it was the way the stars glittered and reflected in his eyes, 

Taehyun wondered if the stars were jealous of Beomgyu’s eyes for sparkling brighter than they ever could. 

Beomgyu had always been breathtaking. But something about the way his soft features looked that night, the way he sighed and nuzzled against Taehyun’s neck. Maybe it was the way his arms tightened around Taehyun’s waist every time they would sway too far in one direction or the other. 

Taehyun didn't know what it was, but he did know this: he didn't ever want to let go. 

  
  


4:  _ Do you remember packing up my apartment? _

Taehyun was genuinely perplexed by the sheer amount of  _ stuff _ he had. Like, when did he even buy this? 

He and Beomgyu were currently taking an unofficial break, both sitting on the ground and sorting out the pictures Taehyun had put around his room. They had a stack for the polaroids he’d strung up over his bed, and even managed to fit a couple of his pictures into photo albums for safe travel. 

Beomgyu was going through what he’d pinned to his cork board. Mostly group photos, a couple of Beomgyu’s selfies that had been not-so-subtly pinned right in the middle. 

The biggest difference between the way Taehyun sorted his pictures and the way Beomgyu did was that Taehyun just set everything where it needed to go. Envelopes? Check. Photo albums? Check. Little boxes? Check. 

Beomgyu, on the other hand, would look at each one closely. Sometimes he would jab Taehyunin the side, saying, “Do you remember this?” And of course, Taehyun always answered. 

Despite having to hear Beomgyu talking almost the entire time, Taehyun was really enjoying this. Every time he would tell a funny story, the smile that accompanied Beomgyu’s loud laugh would always light up the room. Taehyun was focusing less and less on actually packing up his belongings, and more on the way Beomgyu’s nose would scrunch up when he laughed really hard. 

He somehow managed to get back on track, moving to his closet to start packing his clothes. Beomgyu was humming happily under his breath, holding pictures up to see them better. He stopped, breaking the comfortable thrum of almost-silence that had settled over them. 

“Hey, Taehyun?” He shook what appeared to be a strip of photos. Taehyun recognized it from the photobooth at the mall. “Look at how young we were,” 

Taehyun beckoned Beomgyu over. He stood and walked to the closet to show Taehyun, when a loud crash sounded from the other side of the apartment. 

Beomgyu flinched at the sound, dropping the photos. Taehyun knelt down and picked it up, smiling at the memory. 

He hadn’t noticed Beomgyu kneeling as well, until they were accidentally knocking their heads together. Taehyun’s head snapped up and he found himself, once again, within perfect kissing distance. 

There was no pool this time. Nothing around to keep the pair from finally kissing. Taehyun leaned in, and saw Beomgyu doing the same. The air was suddenly heavy. They were suspended in a fragile moment, even the slightest distraction would shatter it. 

So of course, right before their lips met, Soobin bounded into the room. “Sorry,” he panted, missing the blush across Beomgyu’s cheeks and Taehyun’s annoyed eye roll. “I dropped a box of towels on my way out.” 

He seemed to just notice the situation they were in. “Oh,” he smirked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at the pair. “Am I interrupting something?”

Beomgyu coughed and stood, brushing off his pants. “Um. Moment’s over, so...not anymore, I guess,”

Taehyun would never admit it, but that night (on his mattress on the  _ floor _ because although they had gotten everything over to his new apartment, they hadn’t managed to unpack anything but his mattress and a few pillows.), he held the picture Beomgy had dropped as tight as he could. He fell asleep with it next to his head on the pillow. 

  
  
  


5:  _ Do you remember looking at our stars? _

Months, or maybe just several weeks, after Taehyun had moved in, he found himself inviting Beomgy over. Somehow, the latter had convinced Taehyun to paste glow-in-the-dark stars all over his bedroom ceiling. 

They were laying in Taehyun’s bed at some ungodly hour of the night, giggling about stupid things. It was one of those nights where there’s  _ nothing _ , not even enough cars outside to provide a low hum in the background. The air conditioning would occasionally switch on and scare one or both of them, but other than that...nothing. 

“Did you name any of them?” Beomgyu asked. Taehyun looked at him, confused. 

“Name any of...what?”

“The  _ stars _ , dummy,” Beomgyu said, as if it were obvious. He pointed to them for emphasis, drawing lines between a couple with his hand. “Did you ever make any of your own constellations?”

Taehyun shook his head, silently watching Beomgyu wave his finger in the air. He thought back to when Beomgyu had helped him put them up, questioning why he hadn’t argued against him when he recommended it. Truthfully, Taehyun always slept better under the night sky. Also, he couldn’t argue with Beomgyu. 

“Taehyun, Taehyun!” Beomgyu called, despite the pair being literally less than a foot apart. “Can this be a constellation?” He pointed jagged lines in the air, presumably connecting some of the stars. 

Taehyun tried following his directions, pointing where he thought Beomgyu did. “Those onest?”

“No, start at that big one right there,”

“... _ Those _ ones?”

“To the left,”

“Take it back now, y’all,”

“Kang Taehyun, this is  _ serious star business _ . Stop singing the Cha-Cha Slide.”

“Sorry,” Taehyun snorted, very obviously not sorry. “Is it these ones?”

“Yes, yes! Yep, and then that one right-  _ no- _ I’ll just do it for you-” Beomgyu took Taehyun’s arm and moved it around, pointing to the stars he’d picked out. He let go and turned to Taehyun, eyes infectiously bright and excited. “ _ Those _ ,”

Taehyun couldn't help the smile that broke out on his face. “I like that constellation,” he said. Beomgyu giggled -- actually  _ giggled _ \-- and curled up, burying his smile in Taehyun’s shoulder. 

“Can we tape the lines in so we can always see it?” Beomgyu asked. Taehyun didn’t want to. Like at all. 

“Of course, we can do it when we wake up,”  _ Stupid whipped idiot. _

Beomgyu yawned and turned towards Taehyun. Somehow, just those actions managed to change the energy of the entire room. The buzz of energy was gone, replaced by the woozy haze of half-awakeness that they’d been on the edge of for several hours. 

Taehyun was fairly certain Beomgyu was asleep, judging by his closed eyes and heavy breaths, when he murmured, “Hey, Taehyun?”

“Hm?”

“Can that be... _ our _ constellation?”

Taehyun felt something warm in the pit of his stomach. “Of course,”

They fell asleep facing each other on the pillow, so close but not quite touching. Taehyun fell asleep not knowing just how familiar he would get with being nearly there, but never quite reaching where he wished he was. 

  
  
  


+1:  _ You can't, can you? Because you're gone, and I'm stuck here with the memories. _

It was rainy. Taehyun thought it suited the whole situation rather well. He was standing on the grass, bright green against the dull grey of the gravestone. It had taken months for him to finally be okay with coming here, to accept that it had happened. His friends and family thought he was taking a big step forward, having not even mentioned Beomgyu since the funeral. 

To Taehyun, this was admitting defeat. This was admitting that his watching and waiting and never saying the confession that was right on the tip of his tongue had done  _ nothing _ . Because now Beomgyu was gone. ( _ Dead, Taehyun. You need to start saying the word dead.) _

Taehyun was wearing all black, and held a black umbrella to keep the rain off. Not that it mattered, of course, because his sleeves and face were already a mess of snot and tears from crying the whole ride here, not to mention he burst into tears at the sight of  _ their  _ constellation taped to his ceiling. 

“Beomgyu,” he started. He wasn’t sure what he had to say, but now was the perfect time to say it, right? Well...really, it was all too late. “Beomgyu...I’m sorry.” His voice was breaking over every syllable. Really, he should have done this when he was alive. “I should have told you...I wish I could go back in time and tell you, but I didn’t. And I-”

Taehyun cut himself off with a gut-wrenching sob that he didn’t even know he had in him. “I loved you,” he said, in the smallest voice he’d ever spoken in. “I still do. And it...it _ hurts _ to know that we could never be real...because of me.”

A few deep breaths, wiping his face on his already soaked sleeve, and Taehyun was back at it. “I don’t even know why I waited. You liked me back, I know you did. But I just…” He ran a hand through his hair in distress. “I didn’t say anything. I thought I had forever but…” 

Forever. The word stuck something in him. Forever was a really,  _ really _ long time. But it hadn’t seemed so long when he was with Beomgyu. “I wish forever would speed up again,” Taehyun choked out. “I wish you would come back. Beomgyu...Beomgyu, please come back.” He was starting to break, his already fractured mask beginning to shatter, revealing the even bigger mess he was hiding. 

Slowly, Taehyun sank to his knees. He could feel the wet grass staining his pants, but he didn’t care. Letting his umbrella fall to the side, he lifted his face and let the cool rain soothe him for a moment. 

A drop of rain hit his cheek. “Please come back.” His voice was low and quiet. Another droplet. The kiss they almost had behind the boxes. “Please come back.” Drop, drop, drop. “Please come back. Please come back.” Pointing at green little stars. Dancing in the grass. Drop, drop. Coughing up water after Beomgyu pulled him in. The ice cream cone they shared at the park. “Please come back.” A million little raindrops, and a million little memories flooding over Taehyun and suffocating him in a hollow happiness as he remembered he would never make another happy memory with Beomgyu. 

The rain was pouring, but it was nothing compared to the roaring and screaming in his head. His voice, hoarse from crying and begging Beomgyu to come back, was just enough to be heard over the raindrops pounding against the sidewalk and grass around him. 

In the back of his mind, he thought of how Beomgyu had always reminded him of the stars, although he’d always been far more eye-catching. Maybe the stars would shine brighter not that Beomgyu had joined them.

Taehyun’s throat hurt too much for his voice to rise over a hoarse whisper. He crawled closer to Beomgyu’s gravestone, staring at the letters engraved as if he would suddenly see Beomgyu’s smiling face if he looked hard enough. “I’m sorry. I love you. Please come back.”

He repeated those sentences over and over, fisting his hands in the grass and laying his forehead against the gravestone. “I’m sorry. I love you. Please come back.”

“I’m sorry. I love you. Please come back.”

“I’m sorry. I love you. Please come back.”

“I’m sorry. I love you. Please come back.” 

But the cold, lifeless stone that Taehyun was begging to didn’t answer.

**Author's Note:**

> haha hey hoped u liked it <3


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